


King of Selfishness

by lacqueluster (GG_and_MM)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Unresolved Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 02:08:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9360905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GG_and_MM/pseuds/lacqueluster
Summary: “How could you do this?” her voice breaks, just like it always does when she talks to him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Gabriel-Monthly-Challenge blog on tumblr. The January dialog prompt is:
> 
> “One day you and I are gonna wake up and be alright. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. I promise you.”
> 
> I couldn’t figure out a way to write this prompt without angst. It’s just lends itself to angst so well, so that’s pretty much all you’ll get here. I hope you all don’t hate me. 
> 
> Another HUGE thank you to waterkiss37, who has to endure my craziness to work with me. I don't envy her for that, and sometimes I don't know how she does it. Love you, girl. Thank you so much for all you do.

Gabriel watches quietly from the corner. She's sitting so still on the side of the bed. She has been for minutes, just staring at her hands folded on her thighs. The only movement she makes is the steady rise and fall of her shoulders from breathing. 

 

“I miss you,” he hears her say. “I can't believe it's been so long now. How can this much time have passed? It seems like I saw you yesterday.” 

 

She moves finally, her hands shifting. 

 

“It seems like yesterday, but a lifetime ago at the same time.” 

 

She spins the ring on her thumb. The ring he gave her. The only thing he ever gave her, really. Besides a broken heart. 

 

“How could you do this?” her voice breaks, just like it always does when she talks to him. “How could you die? You promised me, Gabe. You promised me you wouldn't let him kill you.” 

 

She takes the ring off and his breath stills in his chest. Is this it? Is this the time she’ll take it off and never put it back on?

 

“That's the only thing I ever asked from you, you know that?  _ Please, Gabe, come back to me. Don't die on me, baby.” _

 

He closes his eyes for a second as she repeats those words, the ones she spoke on their last day together. 

 

“You couldn't do it though, could you. You couldn't keep one promise to me. Not even the most important one.”

 

She slides the ring back on, spinning it again. Around and around her thumb. 

 

_ Kinda like me,  _ he thinks,  _ I was wrapped around her finger from the day we met.  _

 

He’d known when he met her that something was different this time. Something about  _ her _ was different. He knew he shouldn’t get involved, the Apocalypse was looming on the horizon. If the world didn’t end, it certainly wouldn’t be left in any state to carry on a relationship. He knew that, he knew he should walk away, but when she smiled at him he didn’t care. 

 

Father help him he wants to go to her. He knows the tears are coming and he wants to wipe them away, console her, cherish her. Of course he can't. He's the reason for her pain after all. 

 

He could cross the room in five steps and stand in front of her, kneel down, take her hands in his. He can’t though. He has to keep her safe. He risked her life, before the Apocalypse. He should have never gotten attached to her, fallen in love with her. And he certainly shouldn’t have let her do the same. But he’d failed. 

 

How could he have resisted really? She was his mate. That’s what he’d felt that first day, with that first smile. He’d felt her soul, the rightness of it. The rightness of them together, that’s what he’d felt. 

 

So if he couldn’t make the decision to keep her safe before, he had to do it now. It was his duty. And the thing that would put her most in danger would be his reappearance. 

 

He’d taken every precaution when he realised he was going to have to face Lucifer. He’d moved her halfway across the world, changed her name and all the details of her life. She’d never complained, never said a word. She trusted him always. He’d set her up comfortably, knowing that if anything happened to him she’d be fine financially. But he didn’t know how to protect her, and he knew she’d need it. 

 

Being his mate had changed her, something deep down in her. It altered her in a way that made her a target. Angels, demons, gods, anything  _ other _ was drawn to her, though they never seemed to know why. It was like she glowed with a light that called to them, and none of them could resist. 

 

That’s why he couldn’t leave. Or that’s what he told himself anyway. He had to be here to take them out, keep her safe. Which is true, but even if she never faced another danger for the rest of her life, he still wouldn’t leave her. 

 

She is his mate. He can’t. 

 

When he left her that day for Elysian Fields he tried to prepare her, just in case he didn’t come back. She knew where he was going, why it was so important, and she supported him. But she wouldn’t listen to him talk about dying. She’d close her eyes, shake her head, tell him no, over and over. 

 

He’d finally given up, promised her he’d come back, and taken her into his arms one last time. 

 

Of course he, had come back, she just didn’t know it. 

 

He’d watched her in the days that followed, watched her willfully ignore all the signs that pointed to his death. She’d start to cry and then get angry. Her proud jaw would raise and she’d blink away the tears like they were a passing irritation. But as time went on she couldn’t keep up the act. 

 

She’d broken finally, after almost a week, and it had broken him to watch it. He couldn’t reveal himself, Lucifer would have felt it, and if there was ever anything dangerous to her in this world it was Lucifer. He would have loved to have her as an experiment, Gabriel was sure. Something to play with and see what all the fuss was about, why his brother loved these  _ humans _ . 

 

No, he wouldn’t do that to her, even if it meant he had to die inside watching her pain. He’d told her if he didn’t come back to contact Castiel. He’d told her that of all his brothers, Cas is the one who would understand, he’d help keep her safe. 

 

She never did. She never prayed to Cas, never called. In hindsight, with the things to come, the things Cas eventually did and what he became, that was a good thing. But Gabriel didn’t know the troubles that were in store for his little brother, and now when he thinks about what would have happened if he  _ had _ died, it makes him sick.

 

She’d be dead by now. Or worse, imprisoned by some god or demon. All because his grace had linked her to him. 

 

“God, I hate you,” she whispers. 

 

The words pull him from his thoughts. It’s not the first time she’s said it, but it hurts just as much as the first time he heard it. 

 

That’s when the tears start. She doesn’t wipe them away, doesn’t move to get a tissue. They fall, slowly and steadily, wetting the top of her night gown. She spins the ring on ther thumb.

 

“No, I don’t,” she goes on, “I can’t even make myself believe that. I could never hate you, Gabriel.”

 

His name is like a prayer. Her voice saying his name pulls at something inside him. In those first weeks and months, when he didn’t return, it was like she said a prayer to him with every heartbeat. He’d almost broken, shown himself to her, but he’d managed to survive. There were  times though, when he wished Lucifer had taken him. Death might have been better than living like this. 

 

Those were selfish thoughts, though. But what else could he expect from the King of Selfishness? That’s why he had to fight this urge to reveal himself to her. He had to keep her safe over his own desire to be with her. 

 

Each time he thought things were calming down, like he might be able to come forward, another threat wormed its way out of hiding. It always happened. Some new god or monster stepped into the light, and he knew,  _ he knew _ , that if he stepped out of the shadows the whole world would feel it. 

 

They’d all feel an Archangel’s return, and then the race would be on to find leverage over him. And what could be better leverage than her? She’d have a target on her, they’d all want to own her, torture her, hold her over his head to control him. He wouldn’t allow it. He couldn’t. He didn’t want that for her. Never again. 

 

No. At least this way she had a life. She’s living. Maybe living isn’t the right word. More like existing, but that’s more than she’d be doing in some cage. 

 

She finally wipes her face, her eyes red rimmed and bloodshot. She lays down, staring ahead but not really seeing. Tears are still falling, wetting her pillow now instead of her gown. 

 

“I miss you so much, baby. I still can’t believe you’re gone. It’s like I can still feel you with me.” 

 

Those words knock the air out of him. 

 

Can she feel him? Can she really? Is his presence the reason she can’t go on? He can’t leave her. She has no way to protect herself here. And there’s no one that can protect her. Is there? 

 

Maybe hunters? Sam and Dean? No, that would never work. She’d end up in more danger. The Winchesters can’t even protect themselves; they’d step on every landmine within a continent of them, starting the next Apocalypse. Same with Cas. It’s like catastrophe orbits them, just waiting to fall out of the sky and land on top of thier heads. 

 

There’s no one else. No one. He didn’t maintain relationships with anyone before her. Not any kind of relationship that would lend itself to favors anyway. 

 

Where does that leave him? He doesn’t know. 

 

“I know you’re not here,” she sobs. “I know you’re gone, I do. I just miss you, Gabe. It hurts. Will it ever stop hurting so much?” 

 

_ No, sweetheart. I don’t think it will. _

 

He crosses the room, invisible, and sinks to his knees on the floor to look into her eyes. There’s a stand of hair hanging in front of her face, she doesn’t bother to move it. She stares vacantly through him. 

 

He wishes he could take her and run, far away from this life, this world. If only there were someplace safe for them, another planet maybe, where they could be together without everyone wanting to control or destroy them. 

 

He finally reaches up a hand and touches her forehead, gently sending her to sleep. He pushes the lock of hair away, tucking it behind her ear, and presses his lips to her cheek. 

 

“Soon, sweetie,” he whispers in her ear, “we’ll be together soon. I know I keep saying that, but we can’t go on like this much longer.  **And then, one day, you and I are gonna wake up and be alright. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. I promise you.** But for now, sleep.” 

 

He stands, walking around the bed, and lays behind her. He wraps her in his invisible arms, even if she can’t feel him, he can feel her. He closes his eyes and takes in the smell of her, the warmth, and he makes a promise to himself like he does every night. Soon.  _ Soon. _

 


End file.
